i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
