god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
