she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
