I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
