its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize