he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
