if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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