i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
