My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I could teleport
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
