Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize