Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
