I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
