plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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