It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
