so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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