I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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