Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
