peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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