I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
