How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
