the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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