when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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