I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
