Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
