she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
