So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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