Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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