so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize