Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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