Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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