I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
