i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
