I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
