That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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