I'm eating all of the evidence.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
