I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
