Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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