I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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