Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
