I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
