i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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