I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
