NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
