I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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