If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
