you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
