I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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