Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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