i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
