Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
