i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize