I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
