I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
