I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
