He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
