Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
