You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
