someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
