I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize