my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
