i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
