new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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