You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
